being a good person
i want to be powerful and rich, but that's not all. i want to make the most positive impact on the world that i can, to lift millions out of poverty and prove the cynics wrong and start a family and be rich but good. i want to be celebrated. i want to be everyone's favorite reference. she did it all, she's the proof, just work hard, be smart about it and surround yourself with the right people.
no, when my desires are so plainly written out, it reads more like, she's so naive and self-centered. i think i only want to help people because i want to convince myself that i'm a good person.
i know a few good people. at some point they might have cared about trying to be good, but that was just a phase. now they're in it for the love of the game. they help people because that's who they are.
i don't know if i'm there yet. i'm afraid that i'm just going through the motions, putting up a facade for myself and for others. then i remember the part of rayne fisher-quann's poser ethics post where she argues that you can be performative and real at the same time. also, i believe in "fake it until you make it". the more i perform, the more it becomes genuine. i guess i shouldn't worry about whether i'm fully genuine or not, as long as i'm trying my best.
what does it even mean to try your best? to me, it means that you're building towards a world that you want to live in. the hardest part is figuring out what you're even doing. lift more kids out of the cycle of poverty. make more jobs in your community. grant seniors more autonomy. help your mom find peace. the metric for improvement can be fuzzy, but you should always have a sense of whether you're moving in the right direction. once you've defined the problem, the rest is just logistics and problem-solving.
i still feel naive but i don't think that feeling will ever go away. i still feel performative but the performance drives me to do more good work. the best signal comes from doing, so i'm going to keep doing what i can and keep my eyes open.