most criticism is about the critic
a little while ago, i had a front-row seat to a fun dispute. i was at the bar with an acquaintance (let's call her laura) who was criticizing her friend (alice) for not getting married to her partner of 12 years. laura kept insisting that marriage was the only path to a serious relationship. important detail, laura is single and actively dating.
instead of getting defensive, alice asked laura more follow-up questions about her views on marriage. laura ended up pouring her heart out about all of the guys that she's dated: their lack of initiative, fear of commitment, reluctance to define relationships, etc. it was clear that laura desperately wanted to settle down, get married and have kids as soon as possible.
laura's critique was never about alice's relationship, it was about laura's own fear that she would never find someone willing to commit to her. i'm not vindicating laura's behavior, she certainly had more constructive ways to vent, but this conversation made me think about all the times i'd been criticized and taken it personally when i didn't need to.
there are a few categories of comments that may look a lot like criticism but should be treated differently:
- criticism vs. prompted constructive feedback: if alice was venting about her relationship woes and happened to ask laura for advice, maybe the marriage comment could have been taken more seriously. (in this case, alice didn't even start the conversation! laura's comment came out of nowhere.)
- criticism vs. unprompted constructive feedback: constructive feedback can also be given unprompted if you're looking out for that person and believe they need your brutal honesty (ie. an intervention session), but this kind of feedback should be reserved for more extreme situations. feedback lands much better when the person is asking for it. the less they're searching for feedback, the more likely it is to land as criticism.
- criticism vs. playful teasing: some people blur the lines here, taking opportunities to fire shots at people and justify it as teasing. (laura did this.) if you're going to tease your friend, i think both you and your friend should be extra clear that you're just teasing. playfulness is really important for healthy relationships, just be clear about your intentions and read the room, don't be a bully.