pushing through fear of poverty
some days when i'm tired or hungry or sad, i wonder if i'll lose it all. everything i've built, earned fair and square, worked my ass off for, gone in an instant. i got insanely lucky, i tell myself, that's why i have what i have, so how long will the sun choose to shine on me? this fear arrives like a summer rain, slowly and then all at once, drowning every good thing. my favorite pastry, my desk chair, the roof over my head, the clothes on my back, all ripped out of my wretched grasping hands. the fear spreads until all the lightness and laughter are sucked out of this world, replaced by a quietly howling expanse of dark nothingness. it takes my breath away.
and then it passes. it has to pass because i can't afford to think like that. we live in a funny imaginary world where imagining bad outcomes has a way of manifesting those outcomes, even if they weren't your destiny. so i imagine prosperity for myself and others, and i imagine each step until i arrive at a step i can take, a blog post, a smile, supporting the ones around me, diving headfirst into ventures and making order from this chaos around us, because we have such a big and beautiful world to build up.
i'm told that you shouldn't tell people that they can lift themselves up by their bootstraps. i'm told that people get worn down by life, and it's not fair to them to say that they could be doing better when they're doing all they can. i respectfully disagree. yes, i think it's extremely inconsiderate to tell an exhausted mother of three who is living paycheck-to-paycheck that she should do better, but there must be a tactful way to help her reach for more, because she has to reach, she has no other reasonable choice but to reach. the system is rigged, yes, we know, and we can push for reforms, but we can't wait for the world to change around us. but that's not even my point. my point is, even if there is no opportunity, you have to believe in it. there's always something to be learned, some way to move faster, some bigger lever to push. you have to believe in the opportunity even if it never arrives, because you need to be able to recognize it in case it does.
i grew up lower-middle-class, although my mom always made sure i felt like i had more than enough. now she complains that i squander my money, and she's probably right. she won't let me spend a cent on her. she uses my old laptop that already had a broken hinge before she started using it. maybe i'm tactless and i should just buy her things. maybe i'm naive and i'm wasting my money. the only thing i know for sure is that we all need to reach for more. especially when it hurts, especially when it feels silly, and always in a way that feels authentic to who we are, because when we can throw ourselves into an endeavor we become more wholly ourselves. i like hustle culture but this doesn't have to be hustle culture. if you're going to be a kind person, i want you to be the most kind person you've ever known. if you're going to join a soccer league, give it your all and try harder when you're losing. if you care about social justice then join your community and make some real change and get out of the braindead arguments in the comments. be! here!! fully!!! please!!! i want to be surrounded by fully embodied and enthusiastic people. i want us all to prosper together. maybe i'm naive but in this age, i can't afford not to be.