tantrums are best ignored
tantrums are caused by unregulated emotions. in simple kid-friendly words, these are big feelings that make you feel upset and angry. adults can throw tantrums too, even adults who are usually well-regulated! please do not read this guide if you are at risk of bodily harm, in that case obviously get yourself somewhere safe and call 911. that aside, here is a step-by-step guide on how to deal with somebody in your life throwing a tantrum:
- when they begin: by yelling, throwing, hitting, etc. they will unconsciously try to pull you in, to make your emotions match their intensity. don’t do it. respond calmly.
- don’t try to reason with them. your silence will not be taken as approval, you’re choosing not to engage.
- instead of reasoning with them, be clear and concise on what is acceptable and what isn’t (again, in a calm tone). “don’t hit that, it could break.” “don’t slam the door.” if they continue to do the unacceptable things, you need to remain calm and try something else (e.g. physically removing them from the situation), but honestly i don’t have a good answer here.
- if you can and are able to, put some distance between you and them.
- ignore everything they say, and i mean everything, in terms of what you take to heart. you can respond with a kind “mmhnm” to acknowledge they said something, because giving the cold shoulder might reinforce that they need to be louder to get your attention.
once the tantrum is over:
- if they are kind enough to apologize, accept the apology. don’t retroactively justify the tantrum and don’t make this a teachable moment. the person needs to feel that calm emotions are associated with happy times.
- imagine your attention as currency that should be earned with calm, not with tantrums. no attention on the undesirable behaviour, and crank up the attention on the calm and desirable behaviour